I can't date.
Let me explain. You know how when someone takes medicine, it won't effect them the same way as it might effect the next person? That's exactly how waiting for a missionary is. Every single relationship is different. And the waiting process is different for every single MG.
Well, I've recently discovered one of the major side effects of my own waiting process. Which is: I can hardly even talk to the opposite sex. I think I am literally incapable of saying "yes" when someone asks me on a date. I'm totally fine talking to my guy friends and my coworkers. I love them and could hang out with them all the time. But it's different when I know the guy is interested in me.. Let me explain.
About a month ago a guy came into my work and asked me on a date (I already knew him and he had my number from being in my institute class) and I turned him down. I wasn't ready. Two weeks later, he asked again and I said yes. I felt like I should get one or maybe two dates in before China just to be social. And also just to reassure myself of my feelings for my Preston :)
Well, it was the day before the date and he texted me to confirm it. As soon as I replied with
"yes" I burst into tears. I couldn't do. It's kinda impossible to describe why. I wanted to go, cuz he's a nice guy. But I just couldn't. Not because of what Preston would think, not because of what anyone would think, but because it just made me sick. I ended up canceling on him. He was so sweet about it and just told me to let him know when I was ready, and that he understands. Which of course made me feel worse. But canceling on him was the biggest sigh of relief. I felt amazing afterwards.
Today he came into my work and brought me a slushie from Sonic. Just randomly. And honestly, I couldn't even talk to him. I mean i did, but it was hard. I looked over at my coworker after and said,
"I just can't do this"
I can't even talk to someone who I know is interested in me. I'm sure that something is legitimately wrong with me. Most girls would love that. Most girls are able to date just fine. Which is why I came to the conclusion that this is just one of my biggest side effects of the waiting process. A side effect for someone else might be excessive dating, or depression, or complete happiness. But not me. Mine is being unable to date even if I wanted to (which I don't really)
I don't need to date to keep me happy. I'm unbelievably happy every single day :) I love life and I've never felt so blessed. And that's enough for me right now :)
You're right, it is different for everyone of us and the type of journey we go one with waiting. Even though it is helpful to go outside your comfort zone, it is also important to know what you can handle and what you can't. I admire you for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteOh man I totally know "that" feeling-I "luckily" ( i say it that way because I'm not sure if its good or bad yet) haven't been asked out the whole year my mish has been gone. But whenever one my girlfriends would say a guy was looking at me or they saw me talking to someone they'd tease me and I'd get this sick feeling in my stomach. I think its a medical condition MG's get-for real. But I agree each person has a different experience with this whole waiting thing and we all react to things differently-if you aren't ready for it yet then that is just fine, give yourself the time YOU need :)
ReplyDeleteAh you sayy it so well ! I have three months left, and its been a crazy ride. girly you've got it (: and stay happy and busy.
ReplyDeleteoh & Got your blog off of missionary girls on FB. Thought I'd follow(:
follow me at http://yellowbirdserendipity.blogspot.com/
I hope everything is going great !
ps. i absolutely LOVE nevershoutnever. haha
I thought something was wrong with me!! I'm so glad I'm not the only one. And I have read your other posts about waiting and dating and how you are dating now. It makes me feel better that it was hard (or impossible) for you at first because this is exactly how I feel right now! Thank you. :)
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